" Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I want to...
Current mood: angsty

give you the money I owe you
go back to school and get my deploma
go to college and make something of my life
lose weight
go to your events and support you
take you out and show you the world
make you laugh and smile (yes in that order)
buy you presents
shout out for everyone to hear that i love you
...
do so many more things than I can think to write... but the point is that I realize that I've become a bum... and not even all the love I can give can make up for that. But if I had one chance to show you that I'm really made of something... Something for you to be proud of... I would become so much more.

I don't know much about anything anymore, but I do know that you are the only person in this world I want to make proud, and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. If it means cutting through an entire 4 year degree from the UW... baby I'll see you on the otherside. If it means busting my ass till I get that studio built with a million dollar contract... sweetheart, I'll pick you up in a purple Farari. Whatever it takes... I'll get there if it means you'll be there with me.

I've never felt so alive like when I'm with you, and I doubt I ever could. You inspire the best part of me that until now I never knew existed... Hot damn, I'd even quit smoking and shave my head if I knew it'd help.

Bottom line... whether it be tomorrow, a year, 20 years from now... I will do everything I can to show you that I'm the one. That we can be more than just that typical american family. I dont care if I suffer 1000 heartbreaks before then, because I'd never respect or forgive myself if I just let the woman of my dreams slip through my fingers without giving it everything I AM.

...

and thats the God spoken truth... just watch me *cue inspirational film music* XD"

I read this blog he left me, from time to time. I know there is still a part of me, that still loves him, and is waiting. I know it won't happen though. And now. I can't let it happen. I can't even handle the thought of us being together again. Not after all the hurt I put him through. I know it was just something he said. 99% of my heart tells me he just said it to win me back. But maybe that 1% is right.

I'd be happy for him. With all my heart. I'll even laugh and smile for him. But,... its still my heart, not yours.

I hope one day will bump into each other, and he'll be able to talk to me like a normal person again. Maybe even take me for a ride in his purple Farari.